Remember being sweet sixteen and on the cusp of womanhood? Passing notes with a cute boy in class… sharing secrets at a Friday night slumber party… bubblegum flavored lip gloss, and gales of giggling girlfriends. What carefree times those were!

Or were they?

For most of us, high school memories equate with being young and having fun. And yet, more than a few women remember the not-so-bright side of being a teenager. Trying to fit in. Feeling out of place sometimes. Fighting with ourselves on the inside – caught between winning the approval of our friends, and being our own person.

Back then, would you ever have believed that those very powerful feelings of wanting, and even needing to feel socially “acceptable” would stay with you well into adulthood? I often hear from both friends and life coaching clients how painful it can be for grown women to assert themselves, for fear of being “different” from the rest. Hard to believe… or is it?

Could it be that the desire to be accepted as “one of the crowd” comes from our formative years, and is simply part of being human and a woman?

In my belief, the need to belong is one of the strongest human needs. It may even have something to do with survival. After all – being able to identify with others ensures that we feel a connection – and it’s that connectedness that makes us want to care for one another.

However, when we’re always worrying about what others think of us, it can be really hard to simply “be who we are.” When was the last time you took the pressure off… felt good about yourself and was able to live and let live without fear or judgment?

Each time we grapple with feelings of inferiority, we feed one of the most common fears – the fear of being outcast and that we do not belong.

• Do you ever want to say something, but “stop yourself” for fear that no one in the group will be able to relate?
• Do you sometimes wait for the go-ahead from a more outspoken member of your social group?
• Do you ever punctuate your remarks with language that could be considered “hip” or “cool” at the particular time?

We respond to our innate fear of rejection by “people-pleasing,” attempting to meet expectations. Often, our real self gets pushed aside in favor of another version of us – someone who we have fabricated based on our perception of society and how we might fit in. Someone who we think our family, friends, colleagues and associates would want to know.

We also respond to this fear of not belonging by withdrawing from others. We isolate into our own private sanctum, where we can at least be “free to be ourselves” even if only for a few stolen moments! (But have you noticed that if we let this happen for too long, we end up triggering our fear of being alone? And then we’re back at square one, trying so hard to be accepted again!)

Sometimes, we join in the “fun” and judge others’ behavior as a way to deflect the attention away from ourselves. But lest we forget, negative self-talk (whether aimed at ourselves or at other people) is a form of self-judgment that perpetuates our negative beliefs… and that keeps us from the truth of who we are!

So, what to do with this fear of not fitting in, or belonging?

• Recognize that when others judge us, it’s more about them than about us.
• Understand that yes, people do judge others, yet it’s how we are triggered by the judgment that makes it about us.
• Know that our negative beliefs push us farther away from our beauty on the inside, and what we aspire to be.

Today, reclaim the power that you give to others and stand for yourself. What are your unique talents, quirky personality traits that set you apart from the crowd? Acknowledge yourself!

This week, take a few risks.

1. Do something your way… that is different from the crowd.
2. See what you get.
3. How does it feel?
4. What can you learn about yourself?

Aspire fearlessly,

Comment on this question:

How often do you hold yourself back for fear of not fitting in?

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