Relating with others is a delicate balancing act between having our own wants and needs fulfilled, and making sacrifices on behalf of the other person. In other words: relationships are about give and take. The line where things grow blurry is in the everyday exchanges we have with those we care about.
- When is it okay to say what we really feel – even if it’s ‘not 100% good news?’
- When is it better to “spare” the other person from our true thoughts and feelings, because exposing them might cause pain?
- Is it ever right to ask or expect someone to do things differently? Or is it true what some say — that people never really change?
It is in our most challenging relationship moments that we get to learn about love, acceptance and life. Keeping this in mind will help us survive those “frustrating moments” and overcome communication barriers that can cause problems between us and the important people in our lives.
I designed a communication style called Honor Talks™ — used to express your feelings, communicate boundaries and create closeness based upon understanding and acceptance.
Honor Talks™ can help to transform a complaint into the foundation to keep a relationship healthy. They can help us “clear the air” so that things don’t become bottled up and lead to resentment – which is the biggest relationship killer of all!
Honor Talks really aren’t about trying to change anyone. The majority of the time, we don’t actually need people to change who they are or what they do. What we truly want, deep down, is to be understood and feel a sense of belonging. Honor Talks™ help us to be seen and heard, and to establish understanding in the relationship.
Sometimes behaviors will change as a result of an honor talk, yet it’s important to not walk into the talk with this expectation.
Here is the Honor Talk™ format:
- State your intention. Let the other person know WHY you feel the need to have this talk. Maybe it’s to clear up a misunderstanding, create intimacy, address feelings, or reach a compromise.
- Express gratitude. Tell the other person all the things about them that you appreciate. This creates a sense of safety within the relationship, and will keep the other person from becoming defensive during your conversation.
- Speak your truth. This has to do with sharing how YOU feel instead of telling your partner what THEY do or don’t do. For instance, you might want to say something like “You never listen!” but instead you could communicate that as “I don’t always feel heard.”
- Listen and clarify. A huge part of Honor Talks is simply LISTENING – recognizing and acknowledging that the other person has their own perception of what’s happening between you. Repeat back to them what you believe they are saying. Have them do the same for you.
- Use affirming body language. Use your body to create a sense of closeness and connection. Make eye contact. Sit with your body facing your partner. Reach out and touch them gently during your talk.
- Speak compassionately. It can be very uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of an Honor Talk. Use words that express understanding, caring and acceptance: “I know how you feel.” “I see where you’re coming from.” “I didn’t realize how much that might hurt your feelings.”
- Be accountable. Recognize that relationships are a two-way street! You are as much responsible for what’s happening as the other person is. Own up.
- Commit to resolution. This is about making agreements. Open your mind to ways that you can change and grow together, reach compromise, and improve your communication with each other.
This part is very important: Take some time to process your feelings around your irritation before having an Honor Talk with someone. It’s not recommended to have an Honor Talk when your feelings are at a heightened state.
So, are you willing to have an Honor Talk with someone you love? You can do this. Give it a try!
Here’s to healthy, strong and intimate relationships!
Comment on this question:
What are you willing to have an Honor Talk with someone about?
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Susan Liddy is the author of the “Body Benevolence eBook; 8 Weeks to Loving Your Body” and “The Secrets to Ultimate Living; What You Wish You Knew When You Were 20!”. Find more of her tips and articles to create an ultimate life and an extraordinary business here: SusanLiddy.com
©copyright, All Rights Reserved Internationally, Susan Liddy, Susan Liddy International
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Susan,
Awesome article & great tips. I love your Honor Talk format with those clear outline on how to communicate successfully with a loved one. I love that you put intention, appreciation & truth as the first 3 – they are huge and make a big shift in heart felt communication.
Daniela
Daniela ~ So wonderful to read your comment… Coming from you, a great Relationship Coach. Thank you for your feedback on our Honor Talk format. I’ve witnessed work *wonders* in relationships.
-Susan
Susan,
I love the process of this style of communication you call Honor Talks. It really sets up your ability to be heard and to listen. It also creates a space for mutual respect. I also appreciate you mentioning to take responsibility… How much of my reaction is really my own stuff?
I love the part where you recommend processing your thoughts, feelings and reactions to find clarity before you engage in the conversation.
I often consider these filters, Is it true? Is it kind? and Is it necessary.. and even does it improve upon silence?
I often think about what Don Miguel Ruiz says, “Be impeccable with your word” I find that a powerful statement and one I often think of.
Thanks Susan
Warmly,
Dianne
Dianne~ Love your questions…
Is it True?
It is Kind?
Is it necessary?
Excellent questions to ask oneself before choosing to speak.
As always, thank you for your thoughtful comment.
-Susan
If we sought clarification for some one’s intention before drawing a conclusion – a conclusion that can wreak havoc – we will find, more often than not, that the intention was not to be hurtful or mean spirited. Great communication tips.
Adalia,
I agree. We are often quick to jump to conclusions about what others are thinking and what is driving their behavior. I think that for the most part, we all have good intentions even though sometimes we don’t carry out that good intention in an empowering way.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Looking forward to having you back for a visit here soon.
I love it! Your honor talk concept is very interesting. It is truly about honoring others values, space, etc. Speak compassionately aka paraphrasing or empathizing with the other individual. This article truly gives essential keys to empowering our relationships.
Another concept I’ve heard about is the “ping pong” effect. This is where individuals instead of keeping the ball on the table are anxiously waiting for their opportunity to slam!! If we would stay in the game long enough and look at it as a “win-win” situation we may have more success in our communication efforts.
Thanks
Robin
Great suggestions … hard to implement! Following these suggestions will save relationships. Good post.
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